Welcome to random thoughts of Amanda - January 2023 version

Gratitude is my attitude for 2023

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I wasn't used to normal. The dynamic wasn't "normal." I was stuck in a space of seeking, needing, yearning for validation because of the lack of that in which I was giving to myself. Looking to seek from others rather than sourcing from self. I was paralyzed in a mindset of self doubt. I felt crazy. Like my sanity was slipping and I longed for that validation, that confirmation, from my support system that I had slowly, one by one by one, cut off communication with because I believed they didn't have my best interest in mind. They didn't understand.

I was alone and in that, I was unable to heal. I was hearing someone else's voice in my mind, telling me all the thing I was and I was not, with no ability to differentiate truth from lie.

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My 10 year old daughter has this thing where she likes to just sit and talk. Last night it was all about the most recent 5th grade "drama." Then she says, "Mom, tell me about your life." Sometimes (and more often than I'd like to admit), I forget how absolutely amazing she is.

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The beauty of life exists in the mundane.

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My new practice: When something or someone is irritating/frustrating/annoying me, ask myself - what if this is the last time I get to experience this? What if tomorrow, they are gone? What if this is my last opportunity to experience this?

It changing my perspective.

And life feels a lot more beautiful.

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Having a partner in the work has completely changed my life. It's transformative, confronting, challenging, rewarding, and requires me to constantly level up, look beyond, and expand. The conversation of looking is a daily occurrence. The habit of discovering blind spots is a constant. The celebration of one another is unlike anything I've ever experienced.

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I thought 2016 was going to be my year. And it was.

And then I said to myself, "2017 is my year." And then it was.

2016 & 2017 were years of bravery and going into 2018 I said, "Now this year, is really going to be my year." And it was.

2019 followed, and 2020, and 2021.

All were my year. Years of figuring me out. Years of growth.

And 2022...

was the first year that I spent the bulk of it OUT of fight or flight. It felt...weird. Foreign.

2022 was the year of re-learning and re-experiencing what it meant to be grounded in my reality, present in each moment instead of my nervous system taking over and transporting me to a space of fighting to be safe. I was safe. I was able to breathe. I didn't have to run anymore.

And now...2023...

I can promise you, is my year too.

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Dreams are a window into my subconscious.

And lately, the things that come up in my dreams have been areas of my life and people I am incomplete with, something is not resolved, or I am out of communication about something.

I wake up mad at Sia a lot. And then I remember it's a a dream lol

And then we can have a conversation about it and figure out what's actually there for meant voila,

the dreams stop.

What do you dream about?

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Attachment is at the root of of my disappointment.

Being clear in what I need and what I am requesting eliminates any hidden attachment I may have and instead values word and integrity over wishing, waiting, or hoping.

Work in progress.

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Acknowledgement is powerful.

I urge you to ask someone what they want to be acknowledged for and do just that.

Acknowledge them for that and whatever it is you appreciate or value in them. My inner 6 year old self feels like I'm getting a giant bear hug when that happens.

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My body reacts to every thought I have.

My mind has the ability to poison me, physically, mentally, and emotionally, if I allow it too.

The most powerful thing I have learned as that MY THOUGHTS AREN'T REAL.

I don't have to believe all the things my mind is telling me.

Now that I know that, I can recognize what is happening, identify them, challenge them, and keep the thoughts that are a contribution, and ditch the ones that aren't.

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