Vulnerable & Emotional: The Distinction

June 3, 2021

There’s a distinct difference between being vulnerable and being emotional. Hear me out.

I have it that vulnerability has become such a “buzz word” in language today. Like the key to life is being “vulnerable” right? The key to relationships is being “vulnerable.” If I can just show up and share myself freely with people in my life, then I will get somewhere else other than where I am right now and life will take on a new meaning.

Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s not.

I can’t even count the number of ig posts, inspirational quotes, etc. plastered all over social media about this topic.

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” -Brene Brown

“When you’re vulnerable and transparent with others, it deepens how much you trust yourself. Some people are so afraid to be their most authentic selves because they fear being judged. I encourage you to embrace and celebrate your worst flaws. You deserve that level of liberation.” -@theblackmentalhealthguy

“Let’s continue to use our vulnerabilities as our greatest strength.” -unknown

“When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you can surprise yourself at how strong you can be.” – Jonathan Van Ness

Ok so vulnerability…pretty damn important in creating a meaningful life in which there is in an experience of freedom and authenticity. Got it.

So now what?

Knowing it and being it are two very different things.

I grew up holding my emotions in. I’m not sure what age I really started doing this but there came a point where I just cried about everything. I was happy…I cried. I was sad…I cried. I was pissed off…I cried. Whatever it was, I cried.

I expressed my emotion, by way of crying and releasing which is great, but also not really. My emotions have completely run me in a way of how I show up, and how I communicate (or don’t). And all this time I thought…I am vulnerable because I do express my emotions. But guess what…

Being vulnerable is more than and very different from being emotional. And I have it that there is a distinct difference between the two but yet they are also inter-connected.

Emotions have this way of hijacking us. The feedback loop between emotions – thoughts – behaviors – is so very real. And for most of us, it runs our lives. It is so very important in this life to feel, without feeling, what do we have? But the meaning and significance that we assign to it is what’s important to understand.

Making the distinction between having emotions and being our emotions is what is key. When we are being our emotions, there’s no power. It runs our being. There is no ability to separate the emotions, from the thoughts, from the behaviors. And when we are being our emotions, there is no vulnerability.

For me, when I am caught up in my emotions and what I am feeling, the representation of who I am and what I am going through is completely skewed. Example – Say I had plans with my significant other to go do something. I plan for it, look forward to it, feel excited about it and the day rolls around and he cancels or forgets. I’m immediately feeling a whole whirlwind of emotions from sadness to anger to frustration. So who am I from that point forward?

I am understanding (on the surface), brush it off like it’s nothing and it’s unimportant to me (when in fact it is). I want to cry and I do, but in private. I definitely don’t share that because in my mind, that somehow means that he has one up on me. He has the upper hand. My feelings are hurt, and I feel unloved or unappreciated because I was so excited about something but obviously he didn’t feel the same. It didn’t carry the same meaning for him as it did for me. That’s my story right? So I’m feeling one way, but acting another. I’m acting as if it doesn’t matter…to a point. But my language becomes short when we are in conversation, I am distant. I’m rude without being totally rude…and I don’t explain or share what’s actually going on with me because if he cared, he would ask, and if he understood me, then he would know without me saying anything. Right?

WRONG. My emotions are running me. I am emotional but NOT vulnerable. And even further, I’m completely blocking any opportunity to show up authentically, express myself freely, and be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is consciously choosing to share your thoughts, feelings, and emotions with others…regardless of how it is received. It’s in the sharing where there is vulnerability. It’s not half sharing, or quarter sharing, or even 95% sharing…that’s a start. But there is never going to be an experience of freedom with half-assing the sharing part.

I have it that the root of my “negative” emotions is fear. Fear is the underlying and driving factor for my sadness, my anger, my loneliness, my guilt, my resentment, my failure…the list goes on. They are all driven by fear. Nasty little bugger.

Freedom = When no part of you is hiding.

Fear of rejection drives codependency. And codependency drives lack of self expression. And without self expression, there is no vulnerability.

At the end of the day, we are all the same. We as human beings want to be heard. We all want to know that we matter. We want to know that what we think and feel matters. We all just want to be seen.