There is nowhere to get.

May 11, 2021

I have this overwhelming need to share, help, shift, grow, contribute in some way shape or form but I’m having so much trouble putting into words the space that I have arrived in and the path that I created to get here. So here I am, seated peacefully on my couch in a home that feels so safe and calm that it literally makes me want to dance and sing and laugh and smile attempting to put words to the screen that somehow make sense.

The first realization is that there is no arriving. There is just being. There’s no destination, there’s no final point, there’s nowhere to get. Living every day from a place of feeling like there is somewhere to get to, some magical place that I can arrive at… leaves me in a place of constant emptiness, lack of fulfillment, and living life in a hamster wheel.

I’ve been paralyzed by choice. And instead of taking a stand for my life and choosing powerfully, I chose to not choose. And in hindsight and reflection, I stayed in that space for entirely too long. Why? A lot of reasons I suppose. Fear for one. Self-righteousness and justification for two. Allowing myself to live in victim mode and not take personal responsibility is a combination of my two and my three. The list goes on.

In October 2016 I wrote:

“I feel like I don’t even know who I am because the person I have been living as the past few years is not me…not the person I am deep down in my soul and not the person I want to be. I can’t stand to be in my own home around my own family. Confession…I don’t have the patience or energy and strength to be a Mom right now. I really don’t. And it’s terrifying and guilt inducing and I hate it. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I need to remember what got me here to this point. The hurt I feel is valid. It is ok to feel the way that I feel. I can’t stop second guessing EVERY single desire, emotion, feeling, action.”

And now I know that I did in fact know. I knew exactly who I was. I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew exactly what I needed. But I was paralyzed by choice. Because if I chose, then I had to take personal responsibility. I had to step up. I had to step into myself and doing that is terrifying. At least that’s what I made it out to be. I made it out to be this big, impossible, terrifying, thing that was crazy. Why would I step out of comfort into that?! Into potential hardship, potential mistakes, potential failure…why?!

So I didn’t.

I’ve spent the last 4 years looking for answers, and explanation for the why. I went the spiritual route for a bit – astrology and moon circles and crystals. That didn’t get me very far. I went the podcast and self help route – I learned a lot but nothing changed. I did the whole avoidance thing. And may I say that I somewhat mastered that. Like…I’m really really good at putting a huge smile on my face and powering through life like I’m just killing it.

Outside looking in…my life has appeared to be quite fabulous. I have the family, the gorgeous kids, the great career, the house, the dogs. I even have naked cats. I have the picture perfect American Dream. But have you ever heard that song by Lady A called Pictures. If not, have yourself a listen. Things are not as they appear.

“But you’d never know by the smile on my face That inside I was dying, later that night I’d be crying The last one before “goodbye”Yeah, we sure looked happy in pictures The camera doesn’t show the way it hurt No, that ain’t the way I remember it happening In between the flashes”

There is so much freedom in taking personal responsibility for your own life. I blamed the last…I don’t even know how many years…on someone else, on something else. Ya, I took responsibility here and there, but that doesn’t do it. There is no freedom in half ways, quarter ways, or even three quarter ways of being. There just isn’t.

My life is what it is because I chose it. Or because of my choice was to not choose. Which that by the way, is still very much a choice. I kept myself stuck. I did. Nobody else kept me there.

I think the constant search for answers and explanations…learning about family of origin, cross-generational trauma, mental health, attachment styles, personality styles, birth charts, quotes, song lyrics…all the things is great. Really, it’s great. Any tidbit of information we can have to gain more insight into self is great and something I find to be valuable.

But the transformation and discovery occurs elsewhere. It occurs when you step off the observation deck and dive in head first to living life. Being, practicing, implementing, speaking, sharing, engaging…the list goes on. It’s all action words. And the transformation and discovery occurs in the doing. It occurs when you realize that you have a choice in life and the life you ended up living, the person you ended up becoming, and the place you ended up being…is not a final destination. It doesn’t have to stop there.

What was, does not have to be.

And that is my superpower.

That is your superpower.

That is our superpower.

There just has to be a willingness to step into the world of taking on personal responsibility and choice in life. Simple.