The true enemy is self doubt.

April 20, 2021

I feel somewhat stuck. That is my perception and not reality based, I got that. But I am in a space of doubting myself, lost somewhere between deciding and choosing. There’s this sense of inadequacy and an inability to know and trust my intuition, like I’m walking a fine line between discounting my thoughts/feelings/reactions/etc to being trauma, a fear response, self protection and repetition of old patterns versus it being my true intuition. Does that make any sense? How do I know if it’s my intense need to self protect or if it’s rooted in my intuition and real. It takes away from my ability to trust in self and it doesn’t feel good.

I’ve been having dreams, a lot of them, that have me waking up with the intense desire to run away from certain people in my life and certain circumstances. I can tie all of it back into my past experiences, what I’ve been through, and my intense need to self protect and in turn, discredit my dream as simply trauma trying to force it’s way into controlling my life. But what if it’s not. What if my intuition knows, and I’m ignoring. I have it that part of me is broken. But what if I’m not? What if my this is my truth and this is what I need to listen to in order to be liberated, connected to my intuition, and integrated into my truth.

It’s a really challenging thing to navigate. But what I do know is that the more integrated I am with my truth, the more I will be rooted in my power. And right now, I don’t feel all that powerful.

I shared my thoughts with a friend this morning and her response was beautiful: “What you’re feeling, even if it’s trauma driven, is your real self. But your real self will evolve into less of a fear response. You don’t have two selves, you have one. All those trauma responses to self protect are ok to have. What turns out to be the true enemy is the self doubt piece. I would highly recommend to trust even when it doesn’t feel good. If you do that, you’ll get past it and evolve.”

Thank you for reading my random thoughts. Sometimes I think I overcomplicate things but I am human. And it turns out that human beings can be quite complicated.