Stop confusing chaos for connection.

I'm constantly uncomfortable. And it's in the space of discomfort that is the access for learning and discovering something new for myself. It's also in that space that I'm resisting. Like I am hardcore resisting the things I know to be true. I'm resisting the things I know I need to say and I'm just not saying. I'm resisting the unconditional love and support that is available to me from my partner and my best friend. I'm resisting surrendering to what's so and instead living in my intense need to protect myself. It is not serving me.

Stop confusing chaos for connection.

It's one thing to know something, and it's a whole other thing to just be that something..to truly live it. The number of times I have reflected on what I have learned from stepping out of a very toxic, unhealthy, co-dependent relationship and stepping into myself is too many to count. I know that being in a relationship with someone is the access to truly learning self and all the teeny tiny things that I'm able to hide or cover up or pretend don't exist with me come boiling up to the surface when trying to create a life with another person. I can no longer stay hidden. My insecurities, my fears, my faults, my vulnerability...all of it...all of me...gets put front and center in the spotlight.

The last 12 years have been an intense cycle of overwhelming, romantic, movie worthy love followed by an intense fall into complete disconnection and misunderstanding, avoiding, ignoring, walking on eggshells, and a total lack of effective communication. It was like flipping a light switch where we went from support, love, connection, dates, fun, and laughter to not being able to be in the same room as one another. We became strangers and were left feeling a lack of all the things we just experienced total bliss from. Then came the make-ups, the spending money together, the reconnection. We further entwined our lives together to ensure we always had us. It was the new animals, having children, getting new cars, buying homes together...the list goes on. We reconnected, we apologized, we day dreamed of how wonderful and amazing our life will be when we do this and do that and learn this and learn that. We acknowledged wrongs, made apologies, promised to do and be different. And in an effort to believe that we both really meant it this time, we created more and more connections to tie ourselves to one another. And then, we started the cycle again from the beginning.

Chaos.

Stepping out of that dynamic into a consistently supportive relationship that provides unconditional love feels really foreign. At first, it was bliss. I felt secure and safe and confident in the relationship. Conflict no longer felt scary, but instead was an opportunity to grow closer. I found comfort in the safety of knowing that I would no longer have to worry about waking up to my person giving me the silent treatment or acting like I didn't exist. It still is bliss...in the moments my default is not trying to create chaos to reinforce and reassure me that no matter what, he will still be there. And he is there. Always. He's there when I want him. He's there when I need him. And he's there when I am pushing him away. He's just there. He's not a shapeshifter. When he's mad or upset, he's still my rock. When he's happy and silly, he's my rock. When I'm being difficult, refusing to communicate, and pushing him away...he is my rock.

His desire for me to honor myself, to choose freely, to have a voice...feels really empowering but also very foreign. I've never experienced that before. And the crazy part is that as much as know that it's healthy, genuine, and grounded in unconditional love....I create it to be unsafe. I question it. I convince myself that it's going to change. And when it doesn't change, I attempt to create the chaos so that it can feel "comfortable" because that chaos is all I've known.

The mind is crazy. My mind is crazy.

But it doesn't have to be. When I give up that I need to protect myself, I then get to be present with who I am, who he is, how much I've grown, the voice that I do have if I choose to use it, what we have now, and the possibilities we can create from this point forward.

Forever thankful. Forever grateful.

I am loved. I am supported. I am whole. I am complete. I AM SAFE.