Shifts

I'm learning a lot.

And sometimes that's really frustrating because the constant that exists in every lesson ties back to learning how to give up that I'm right.

Once upon a time...I said I didn't need anyone.

Once upon a time...I said I had it all together.

Once upon a time...I woke up every single day and lied to myself.

And once upon a time I had to be right about all of it.

I look back and find it comical that when I really thought I had it all figured out, I couldn't have been farther from it. But that's the thing, I only knew what I knew. And that's the thing with all of us. We all only know the things we know. Nothing more and nothing less. And even right now, in this moment, I have it that I'm finally getting it. I'm really figuring it out ya know? I say this a lot but it's because it's true - there is nowhere to get. There is no figuring it out. It's a constant, a never ending curiosity for discovering and creating life.

So today I built up this story in my mind about who someone was and who they weren't. I turned their actions or lack thereof into a story that was not positive in any way and it consumed me. It built over time and was small fleeting thoughts but then all of a sudden it hit me in the head like a sledgehammer. And then I was asked, "who are you listening to him as?"

And that one question has power. That one question has so much power when you step into answering it honestly. So I did. And my answer was that I was listening to him as a manipulative asshole that is dishonest and doesn't mean the things that he says. And with that, I got to have a conversation to share that and all the other stories I created in my head that were consuming my being and my ability to be present.

A 5 minute conversation.

That's all it took to get all of that out of my head and somewhere else so that it could actually be dealt with. And that feeling of peace after releasing the shit that's in your head...is indescribable. It's freedom.

So that's what is there for me right now.

And the other part is that I am truly in love with my life at this moment. It's not perfect. I'm constantly creating that work/life balance, learning how to show up powerfully for my kids while also showing up powerfully for myself. I'm in the middle of a divorce, while simultaneously creating the best relationship I possibly can with him and also with my current partner, all while he creates the same thing for my his ex and their family. There are a lot of moving pieces and parts but I fall asleep at night in awe of how beautiful my life is and always has been.

I'm learning that nothing is impossible, and anything can be created if there is a willingness to create it. I'm learning that standing for something means something. I'm learning that my word is important to me and it matters. I'm learning that my act of run, hide, ignore no longer serves me. I'm learning that my unwillingness to have hard conversations only robs me out of living the life I am trying to create and that definitely no longer serves me. I'm learning that workability is everything. I am learning that my hidden and undeclared commitments do not have to run me anymore. I'm learning that my power exists in choosing my life for what I want it to be, choosing how I show up, and choosing to stand for my stand. I am learning that I love my humans so much and that I have spent years neglecting very important relationships. I am learning that in this life, I will never be done learning. And the moment I am, there's no longer living.