Self Disclosure - Part 1

August 6, 2019

“The problem with the self-esteem movement is that it measured self-esteem by how positively people felt about themselves. But a true and accurate measurement of one’s self-worth is how people feel about the negative aspects of themselves.” – Mark Manson

Everywhere we look, we are surrounded by someone or something or somewhere “better” than who we are, what we have, or where we are. Hello social media…hello 24/7 connection. It’s a blessing and a curse.

I’ve thought a lot about what I put out there and what I choose to write about. I’ve had a lot of blogs, and all my writing the past few years has been kept private, or anonymous I guess I should say. I write the things I need to write…the words that I need to read. It’s like my own personal pep talks and reminders. Implementation is hard ya’ll. Practicing what I preach is a daily choice that I have to make. And some days…I just can’t hang.

It’s so easy to see or read something and think that person has it all together, but sometimes that can’t be farther from the truth. So this is step 1 of sharing a little more of my un-edited truth…acknowledging the things I may not love about myself, and exploring me a little bit more. Self-disclosure…here we go.

1. I’m a runner. And no, not like a long-distance runner. I’m not a sprinter either. I run from the uncomfortable. I avoid conflict and would prefer to just forget it all together rather than confront it. This is something I have been working on for awhile now and I can say that I’ve gotten better when it comes to most relationships, except the one with my husband. We are a work in progress and lately, he has been on the one holding me accountable for continuing to communicate and stop running from our issues. It’s ironic how the roles have reversed.
   

2. I overthink and get lost inside of my own head often. The wheels just turn, rapidly, and non-stop. Hence…my writing. Putting my thoughts to paper (or screen) is so helpful for me. This usually relates to being in a “funk.” I think part of it is my internal need to really truly feel sadness. There’s this unspoken expectation to hold yourself together most of the time, not give in to your emotions, and doing so can be viewed as a weakness. But there’s a huge difference between just ignoring your emotions, aka “stuffing” and not letting your emotions get the best of you. I have to consciously stop my thoughts from spinning into craziness sometimes. Getting lost every now and then is ok, and sometimes it is a necessity.
   

3. I’m not very good at letting loose. I’m a rule follower. I’m a creature of habit. I crave structure. I’m too responsible ya’ll. I mean, being responsible is a good thing, but I know that I need to let loose a little more often. Again, I’m a work in progress. I truly believe that this stems from my need for control out of lack of control in other areas of my life. This ebbs and flows, but I really need to make a conscious effort to relax a little more.
   

4. Sometimes, I’m not a good friend. My craving for solitude and my need to be a recluse to figure out all the stuff that goes on inside my heart and my mind has kept me from being a good friend. I’m an empath. I’m so sensitive the the emotion and energy around me and sometimes, that interferes with my ability to be a supportive friend. This is something I am truly working on. But I also recognize the need to take care of myself before I can take care of others. It’s about finding that balance…and learning how to show up for both yourself and other people.
   

5. I yell at my kids more often than I like to admit. I’m super super patient, until I’m not. Repeating myself makes me feel like I am crazy, and unfortunately that ends with me raising my voice way more often than I would like. Being a Mom is tough. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. But it’s definitely not all sunshine and rainbows under our roof. But I love my children, fiercely and unconditionally. They are forgiving and understanding and for that, I am so thankful. I also communicate with them when I’m extra grumpy or yell, and I apologize. Which by the way, I think is so so important for parents to do. Always acknowledge your mistakes, and talk about it with your children. They are so much smarter than what we give them credit for and we should set the example for what we expect from them…including admitting our shortcomings and mistakes.
   

6. I am easily overwhelmed by noise and chaos. Dogs walking around making noise on the hardwood floor, bickering coming from the girls room, the TV playing in the background, the cat meowing, phone rings…you get it. I CANNOT process all of those things at once and get so overwhelmed by it. Usually this results in #5…not always directed at the children but I do have my mini freak out moments. Home is my sanctuary. A quiet and calm place that was just not created for chaos. 🙂
   

7. I lost myself in a toxic relationship. And I’m still working on finding me again. But I believe that when you lose yourself, you are gifted the opportunity to give birth to your truth and grow into who you truly are. We didn’t start out in an unhealthy and toxic relationship, but it evolved into that over time before we even fully realized what was happening. It got bad… eggshells, anger, unpredictable moods, gaslighting, alcohol, gambling, half-truths, honeymoon periods, no true communication. To be 100% honest, I never knew what I was going to come home to. This in turn, created negative coping skills, communication patterns, and unrealized enabling on my behalf. Whether the reason was out of self-protection or survival, it doesn’t make it right and I have to acknowledge the part I played. More to follow on this topic.
   

8. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I have this vision in my head of my ideal or “dream” life but every day, it changes. Do I have goals? Yes. Do I have hopes and dreams and aspirations? Of course. But the life I want to live changes day to day. The constant = finding happiness in whatever phase or stage of life I am in at this current moment and slowing down enough to enjoy it. The other constant = continue to challenge myself in new ways. Whether that’s with health & wellness, my career, as a Mom, as a human, attitude, socially…just always find a new challenge and area of my life I can change and improve.
   

9. When I was 15, I was in a car accident. A car accident that I was insanely blessed and lucky to walk away from with only a few cuts. Unfortunately, my best friend did not. To this day, I can still see so clearly the image of him lying on the ground while I held his hand and repeated over and over in my head that he was ok and still breathing. “It’s ok Brett, I see your chest rising, you’re breathing, you are breathing, keep breathing.” I saw our future flash in front of me so clearly… all of our future camping trips, boating adventures, going off to college together, jamming to Eminem on road trips. But just as quickly as I saw it all, it was taken away when his Dad, a paramedic, arrived on the scene and had to pronounce his own son dead. The pain he felt that day is unimaginable, and something I didn’t fully understand until the day I had children of my own. This tragedy, just like so many others, should not happen. But they do. And everyone continues to go through life because what other choice do we have? I went to therapy off and on, but I also threw myself into a relationship at the young age of 15, that lasted 7 years. I didn’t deal with my trauma. I didn’t do it then, and I didn’t do it when I jumped into another relationship with my now husband of 9 years. My intense fear of losing people I love morphed into me fiercely loving people that didn’t love themselves (in my relationships), but also avoiding real and true connection with anyone else. In hindsight, I didn’t really love myself a whole lot either. I kept to myself, I journaled my feelings instead of having deep conversation with the people I considered friends, I didn’t really talk about what I was going through. I lost myself in music and poetry, finding words that I could relate to without having to actually open up that giant wound that I superglued shut. Survival guilt is real ya’ll. And to this day, I still have it to some degree.

So there you have it. Part 1 of what will likely be many. Owning your truth can be scary. Vulnerability is intimidating. But in order to continue to grow, you have to start being true to who you are – what makes you, what breaks you, what motivates you, what scares you, just all of you.

For as long as I can remember, my default internal voice has been “they won’t really understand you Amanda, just keep it to yourself.” So that’s what I did…for a really long time. I found it really difficult to find people I could relate to but that’s because I wasn’t opening myself up to even find that connection to begin with. And what I can tell you, is that in the last 2-3 years, I have found and built strong and meaningful connections with so many other humans. They may not always fully understand me, but they listen, they care, and they are always there. Human connection is so powerful and until you open up and allow others to see the real you, you are robbing yourself of that powerful and amazing gift of real human connection.