Reflecting

Sunday, June 19, 2022

I am in awe of my life.

Like in complete and absolute awe and admiration for what I have created my life to be right now, right here.

I am sitting in my backyard on the couch, covered in a blanket, listening to music with my baby girl sleeping peacefully on my chest and I can't help but think that life cannot get more perfect that this.

The thing that is so crystal clear for me in this moment is that the joy in life is found in the moments that I never expected. My true, overwhelming happiness is found in the experiences that I never envisioned, never expected, and that I never had an attachment to.

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

35.

I turned 35 years old today.

I've sat down so many times to write out...something...the last few days and it's just not coming out. So instead, I give you rambles.

I think back to my 30th birthday often, and really for no other reason than to reflect on how far I have come in the last 5 years. I was consumed by fight or flight, denial, projection, avoidance, just to name a few.

The personal responsibility it has required for me to take on my own life has been so confronting. And terrifying. But the confronting and terrifying part is that it's all just a story. It's terrifying because of all the things I've made up in my head about it that aren't real. It's confronting only because stepping out of blaming/justifying and into radical responsibility is like this unheard of, unimaginable world where I am solely responsible for my own life. ALL of it.

Talk about WHOA.

This last year has been the year of discovering personal sovereignty.

It's been the year of being.

It's been the year of constantly practicing giving up who I think people should be, could be, need to be, and instead being ok with who they are in the moment.

It's been the year of creating my peace of mind.

It's been the year of constant and never ending practice of getting out of my own way.

Peace of mind is everything.

And the thing I have learned is that there is no finding it. If I was searching for it, I would be old and gray and hobbling around still wondering where on earth I could find it.

But creation is something else entirely. It's not in the doing.

Peace is in the being.

Time is fleeting.

The future is not promised and the past is already gone.

But yet so much time is spend in one space or the other, completely robbing us of freedom.

I live to feel the air filling my lungs with each breath I take,

and my heart beating in my chest.

I live to soak in sunsets,

and sunrises,

and the laughter of my babies.

I live to love and practice gratitude,

day in and day out,

because life is just an accumulation of fleeting moments.