Living in an "in order to" world.

Good morning beautiful people.

I've started, and restarted....6x now. Some days I sit down and the words free flow out like water overflowing from a cup. And other days, I stare at a blank cursor. It stares back, just blinking, over and over and over again. What stops me is my unwillingness to be authentic. It's a never ending conscious choice to be truthful ya know?

It's funny because the one person I should be able to be truthful with is myself. But I've walked around for years not honoring that. At what point do we stop being unapologetically ourselves in order to be someone or something different. In order to be safe? In order to not be judged? In order to look good? In order to not take a risk? It's all just an in order to.

I can't even count the number of times I said to myself, "I don't even know who I am anymore." Sound familiar? And that's because living in an "in order to" world is not fulfilling. It's simply about shapeshifting to become what I think someone else wants or needs me to be. And when I am that, then I am wanted, I am appreciated, I am needed, I am loved, and I am understood. But what does any of that even mean if it's not real? An "in order to" world is not real. It's not living. It's surviving. It's going through the motions of what I think life is supposed to be. And who gets to say what life is supposed to be anyways?

When I take on my life fully, 100% responsible for any and all parts of it, that is when I get to have a say in my life. It is only then when I have power. It's not when I'm 50% or even 95% responsible.

When I am not 100% responsible, I have 0% power.

It took me awhile to understand what that even means. And to be honest, I don't fully know how to even explain it in words. But I'm taking it on, fully, and completely, in my life because it matters. And I no longer want to walk through life as anyone but myself.

When you declare who you are and what you want in this life, brace yourself, because everything else that follows will knock you on your ass to make sure that you really meant it. It's not supposed to be easy. It's not supposed to be comfortable. It's not supposed to be any type of way. It's staying grounded in that stand, that declaration of who you are and what you are committed to in this life, that will hold you upright.

So as I stand in that, I stand in my power. And I get to take on being uncomfortable. I get to take on wanting to run, hide, avoid. I get to take on laughing things off like it's all ok. Because all of that is bullshit and a cop out and I don't want to do that anymore.

Life is too fucking beautiful. I am too fucking beautiful. And so are you.