It starts with a love. And ends with...

I never fully understood why I yearned for safety in my relationships. And I suppose I still don't fully understand it. I want it, need it, crave it, all without even really knowing or understanding what that fully looks like.

I remember sitting in therapy years ago and learning about Gottman's 4 Horsemen. My first thought was, "why the heck is it called the 4 horsemen?! This sounds ridiculous." And then I learned what it was. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.

Somehow, all of it had come to exist in my life.

It's wild to see the human conditioning that is present in the evolution of relationships and communication. I can have all the awareness in the world of what I'm doing, and my default way of being always tries to fight through, to survive, to defend, to justify, to be right.

Self protection rooted in self sabotage is a whirlwind.

To get to the source of all of it, I find myself asking "what are you afraid of Amanda?"

Criticism is grounded in fear.

Contempt is grounded in fear.

Defensiveness is grounded in fear.

Stonewalling is grounded in fear.

Self sabotage is grounded in fear.

Control is grounded in fear.

And somehow, my mind equates being in control to being safe. So circling back to my intense desire for safety, I then yearn for control. And when I try to control things, it ultimately ends in self sabotage. It's a vicious cycle that takes a lot of practice to step outside of.

I have this on repeat in my mind - relational challenges highlight where I am not yet free.

My relationship challenges shine a light on where I am not yet liberated...where I am not yet free...and where fear is still running me.

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of losing a future that doesn't even exist.

I am afraid of losing someone or something that is not yet lost.

I am afraid of not being enough when in fact, I am in fact enough, exactly as I am in this moment.

I am afraid of heartbreak, when my heart is the most whole that it has been.

So why do I walk around fearing things, people, situations, THAT DON'T EVEN EXIST?

It's not real. It's self created.

Relationships start with love and an admiration, appreciation, and acceptance for all that a person is, and all that they are not. And all too often, that gets lost in the mix when fear kicks in. Conscious or unconscious, the moment I start to make my partner or myself wrong, the choice to be right or justified in my words and my actions overpowers my choice to be happy.

Emotions are just emotions.

But they have this sneaky little way of uprooting us from being grounded and present in the reality of what life is, the moment to moment creation and beauty that exists in every single second.

Being able to show up fully, in all my greatness and in all my messiness, and be received with open arms and love creates the safety I have needed for so long. It creates the safety I require to step fully into myself, and really take a look at where I have not yet found freedom within myself. I am powerful all on my own, but the people surrounding me that provide the space for me to be, make all the difference in the world. "You're perfect right where you're at, and I love you."

Who knew those words could be so powerful.