Freedom

April 29, 2021

My world has never been more quiet than it is in this moment. And I truly cannot put it into words in a way in which people will understand. But maybe that’s the beauty of it. Beauty in the stillness, because it cannot be seen, and it cannot be touched. It’s a beautiful place to be.

I'm

I cannot recall a time in my life where my brain has not been constantly consumed by something. Literally, anything and everything, like a ping pong ball that just won’t stop. And for the first time in my life, I experienced complete stillness and peace this weekend.

I stood in my kitchen Sunday morning looking, literally looking, for the thoughts in my mind because they were gone. The fears that have consumed me, the worries have taken over my life, the constant picking apart of words that have been said and actions that have been done, the what if’s…gone. Gone, no longer in existence.

My peace comes from the realization that I have a choice in my life. What I want for myself can and will happen because I say so. The meaning in life is whatever meaning I assign to it. And knowing that, realizing that, is so freeing. It’s knowing the difference between what happened and the story I created about what happened. Knowing that there is a difference. There is a difference between what was actually said and the extra unspoken meaning I created in the story I made up in my head about what was said. It’s the realization that my entire life is a damn story.

It’s crazy y’all.

I was 15 when I fully realized that tomorrow is never promised. I could have died. My best friend did. And I was left in a place of unanswered questions, no explanations, unsaid things, and a wish for life to just be different. From that moment, I promised myself to live my life in that way, that all I have is right now, this moment, this little snapshot of time. That’s it. But as much as I wanted that, I never actually lived that way. My mind has been constantly consumed by the past, hyper focused on the future, and almost never being present. That voice in my head is loud. So f*cking loud and the crazy part is that I didn’t even know it was there.

My mind keeps going to, “I have nothing about it.”

The kids are fighting. “I have nothing about it.”

I’m behind and overwhelmed by work. “I have nothing about it.”

I don’t know how I’m going to pay for this or pay for that. “I have nothing about it.”

The girls are not listening and I’ve repeated myself for what feels like the 100th time. “I have nothing about it.” The list goes on.

I

have

nothing

about

it.

It only means something if I make it mean something.

My kids are being kids and I love them exactly the way they are. If anything, I’m thankful they are self expressing.

Work…I’m behind. Got it. I’ll do what I can, when I can, how I’m able to. It means nothing more and nothing less.

I am financially ok, and I will work it how it needs to be workout out. Sitting here consumed by it will do absolutely nothing for me.

The girls not listening to me does not mean anything other than they didn’t do what I asked. Nothing more, nothing less.

Today I am free.

It clicked. And the most exciting part is this is just the beginning.