Faith

The creativity itch has returned but the grind still exists. Or, I could just say that I haven't prioritized certain parts of me lately that are separate from the grind. I find myself daydreaming of creating. I want to spend my time baking my own bread, mixing my own tinctures and learning herbology. I want to go outside in the morning and gather my own eggs and pick fruit from my own fruit trees. I crave a world devoid of senseless noise and inputs that don't serve in the big picture of what I yearn for. I crave peace and simplicity, more and more every single day.

I'd be lying if I said the state of our world doesn't scare me. But it's not a fear like the fear I've come to know, it's more of an awareness with an underlying peace knowing that whatever happens is whatever happens. A longing for control creates a senseless anxiety that will not serve me. There are so many things that make no sense, yet perfect sense all at the same time. It's a strange space to be in. I've never been a person of faith. I haven't been the opposite either but it just hasn't been at the forefront of my being. More and more I am being drawn to a higher power and for the first time in my life, it's comforting to me to have faith in something larger than anything I can possibly comprehend.

My brain wants things to make sense and it just doesn't. It's only when I practice being in a space of "I am exactly where I am meant to be," that I find comfort. Sia and I always talk about how grateful we are that Loiola chose us to be her parents. She came to this Earth with a purpose and chose me to be her Mother for a reason that I may or may not ever know. It's beautiful, isn't it? To think of each and every moment of life, whether good or bad, as being created for you. There is a purpose in all of it. It's only when we have the willingness to approach life with that way of being, that the purpose gets to manifest and live within us.

I was reflecting last night on how I am surrounded by teachers. Every person and every situation I have ever encountered in this life, whether it was 30 seconds long or my whole lifetime, he/she/it has occurred for a reason. Every moment is an opportunity to surrender into what is, and explore a part of myself that I may have never been willing to see before.

I'm sitting here at the table typing this, with my amazing 11 year old daughter sitting across from me at the kitchen counter singing along to "Good Times Go By Too Fast," by Dylan Scott. The number of times I have cried lately in gratitude is too many to count, one of those moments is right now.

But I'm sitting here watching her, and I have complete and utter faith in knowing that she, alongside her sisters, is capable at showing up to whatever gets thrown at her in this lifetime. Family has never felt more important to me than it does right now. Connection and community is what matters. Love and kindness matter. All the rest is not worth the time or energy.

I often think about how many of my life choices and desires have been driven from a space of inadequacy. When I say that, I see so many moments where something was missing for me, and I sought a way to "fix it" without getting to the root of the void. I am so blessed to wake up each morning in this beautiful home I have created for myself and my children. It is large, more than enough space for us and more, and filled with love and all the things I wanted to fill a home with. I have a couch big enough for all of us to lay on together to watch movies. I have a dining table that seats 12+ people and a kitchen island for 5 more. My bedroom has space for 2 recliner chairs at the foot of the bed. It's beautiful and spacious and everything I once wanted.

And now, when I look at the mental and physical space I was in when this became my dream, I was filling a void with a dream that didn't address the root. Rather than see it and acknowledge it for what it was, I moved on to the next thing that I thought would make it all better. So when I say that I've been thinking about how many of my life choices and desires have been derived from a space of inadequacy or from a void, that's exactly what I mean.

It goes back to that question of who would you be before the world told you who you were supposed to be? What does Amanda want in the absence of what everyone and everything else says I should want. I don't want a $5000 mortgage. I don't want to be enslaved to the system, employed by someone because I am dependent on them to pay that mortgage. But that's just the way I grew up knowing things to be. And, this is now the life I have created for myself.

With time and experiences, maturity and growth, comes new lenses in which I get to view life through. It's been so awesome to explore in the last few years. I am constantly uncovering new parts of myself and greeting each part of myself with love and grace, and open arms to show up in all her glory.

"I'm done filling a cup with a hole in the bottom. I'm taking an axe to the tree, the rot at the roots is the root of the problem. Ooh-oooh do you hear that? It's the sound of the new wind blowing? Ooh- ooh do you feel that heart letting go of the weight it's holding? I've made miracles in the shadows but now I'm out in the sun. Never stop growing, wherever I'm going." - Maren Morris, The Tree

This song has been on repeat for me the last few weeks. I think it's so important to stay present to where we have come from, while simultaneously breaking free from any control that any of it has on our present. In doing that, I am continuously in awe of the gratitude I feel for living each and every single day. I started writing my book a year ago. And I stopped because I was afraid my recount of my experiences would hurt others. And that fear may or may not be valid. But regardless, I know deep down in my soul that I am meant to share what I have discovered thus far in my life with anyone that wants to listen to it. I'm not quite sure exactly how life will evolve for me, but I do know that my purpose is larger than I have ever imagined thus far.

I love you all <3

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