Do the Work.

July 3, 2019

The most potent thing in my life has been shame, just a few drops can create a life-time of lost self. I will make it happen, this cycle will not break with me. – My Husband

“And we slowly learned to abuse ourselves, the two realities attempted to meet the needs of a mature adult while seeing the world from the perspective of a frightened child. Neither aspect of the of the mature adult or frightened child fully comprehends or understands the motive or actions of the other. The adult need for interdependence and self-expression seems to be in direct conflict with the childs need to be dependent and gently controlled. The frustration of being forced to choose between the two competing points of view builds into a problem as each side struggles to be heard by the other… pain turns into despair when realize the legacy of problems we inherited from our home and does not provide for the well-being of either the adult or the child.” – ACA

Switching it up a bit with this post and sharing with you some of my husband’s words (with his permission of course). Three years ago, him and I were very different from the people we are today. We were broken, and in very different ways, and we dealt with it and coped with it in very different ways, neither of which were understood by the other. With time, and a lot of patience, and even more moments of wanting to walk away and just forget it all…we have ended up here….in a much better place, doing the work so that we can bring the best versions of ourselves to our relationship. But let’s get real – It has been rough. Like…real rough. But we are here, showing up every single day, and doing the work.

My biggest take-away from the 9 years that I have been married to this man: You must seek continuous growth and learning for yourself, and that often looks very different from the way your partner has to go about it. We are all on our own journey, and the most important part is learning how to share that with your significant other so that you can continue to grow both alone and together as one.

If you face fear with serenity and faith, you will feel empowered to take your life back and no longer feel the need to look away from your problems.

Here’s a glimpse into some of his story:

“Growing up… I was a great kid, full of life, love, and compassion. I kept my home life private for the most part, and I was liked by those select few who I let into my life. Loved basketball, soccer, football. I recieved great grades… until my sophmore year. My sophomore year was the backlash year. It all kind of “hit me” at once. I had a very small inner circle of friends, I was always concerned about others, I was a great listener. If you had a problem, I wanted to be the one that solved it. Hooking you up with a girlfriend, if you needed the shirt off my back it was yours, no money for lunch… I got you. However, if it was ever about me, I didn’t need anyone. I would fix it myself. Too proud, but it was just hard for me to love myself. It took time for things that happened in my childhood to really start to have an effect on me. Kids are resilient yes… but kids that grow with dysfunction into adults, with minimal ways to cope… are not.

Deep breath. Someone should have known of what was going on. Sadly… People did know and nothing was done about it. Someone, anyone, should have helped out and made the dysfunction known and not allowed a child to be in that home… not allowed ME to be compelled to deny the reality of the pain and abuse that was happening. After I lost the trust in authority to guide or protect me, I slowly became paralyzed by indecision and started to grow to hate myself. A hate I didn’t understand, and I would question why I felt confused about being vulnerable for a basic childhood need to feel safe and secure. Slowly I started down a road of denying my need for love.

Sadly, I understand now, why it takes me 10 minutes to decide which toothbrush to buy at the store. When it comes to small decisions, I take time to think about everything that comes into play. I think about the color and if it makes me happy. I wonder if the soft or hard bristle is better for my gums. The brand of the brush, and if the last one I had makes me want to continue to be loyal to the company. Now, switching over to the bigger things that carry weight and matter the most. And I’m ashamed to say I just didn’t think about them. Maybe it was just something that I learned from parents. That dysfunction growing up causes me to take risks to self shame, and feel like I did when I was a kid. I would get behind the wheel when I knew I drank too much because I knew I would feel bad about it in the morning. I would be emotionally available to individuals that have nothing to do with my family because I knew that my Dad did that growing up. I pushed away the people who LOVE me so I could feel the abandonment that I felt as a child.

All or nothing thinking has clouded my mind at times, and it goes hand in hand with perfectionism- the though that something is either black or white. Being decisive means that you have thought about the options, and there is a set course of action. All or nothing means we do not seriously consider options. We push forward with a sense of fear, or being closed-minded. We miss out on so much more. I can’t begin to even think about how many times I have argued unfairly with others, and the fact that I sought to hurt rather than to seek a solution. Nothing will ever be resolved this way. You’ll never learn to love yourself if you can’t see though the eyes of another.

I’ll close with positivity, I would like to remind you that we are stronger than we think we are. Don’t beat yourself up, you were made to rise. Restore belief in this new you and bring hope to the people who love you. No matter what, once you are on your journey, you will never be the same… Shut the door on yesterday, break up the dark in the night, and look for the light. – It’s in you.”

More to follow. ❤