Creation & Relationships

In 2009, my then fiancé deployed to Afghanistan. He stood for hours in line to get into a hot tent with spotty connection to get on the phone with me. We talked for as long as we possibly could. He gave up his sleep and his meals to stand in line for a phone that may or may not even work.

I remember sitting in the living room talking to him, and after we said our goodbyes, my roommate said to me, "Girl, just wait. It wont stay like that forever. Be married awhile and you'll run out of things to talk about." She was a few years into her marriage at that time and the reminder from that the butterflies and excitement will fade was never absent.

I felt so discouraged and swore up and down that my life and my marriage would never be that way. I was young...23 I think? And what I knew then and what I know now are so completely different. Fast forward to now, and I'm in the middle of a divorce from that that amazing fiancé that I had at that time.

Ya know, it's pretty catastrophic when inauthenticity enters into a relationship and when a foundation is laid upon untruth. In a new relationship, it's so easy (and common) to overlook certain things, not speak up about other things, look beyond potential red flags for the what could be's. I can confidently say that I was not fully standing in who I was and what I wanted and needed in the beginning of that relationship. But I am not faulting myself for not knowing what I didn't know. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience that I did have and that's it. It doesn't mean anything other than that.

I'm not sure what the point of this post originally was. Maybe I didn't have one. But here are a few things I've learned. Take 'en or leave 'em, you choose.

1. What always has been, does not have to be.

2. Re-create your partner and your relationship constantly. Generate the way you see and hear them in every moment.

3. Request what you need and what you want. Everything, big and small. Nothing off the table.

4. Thoughts are only that, thoughts. It doesn't make it real. Release yourself from the thoughts in your head by saying them out loud.

5. The moment a thought hijacks me, I say it. I don't need my person to do anything with it other than hear me. And if I do need something, it goes back to #3. Request what I need.

6. Intimacy is important. Emotional intimacy exists in conversation, conversation fuels connection, and connection creates the space for physical intimacy. It is all interconnected.

7. Constant creation requires constant openness and curiosity. Work on removing self limiting statements that stem from past experiences - I don't like this or that. I don't do that. That's not me. I'm not like that. Instead, embrace that it is openness and curiosity that allows for discovery.

8. Silencing myself in my relationships is saying, "You are not worthy of being heard." And if I do that to myself, it only creates a space for others to do the same.

9. Transparency (100% openness, honestly, and transparency...nothing off the table) and creating the space for each other to both be heard and seen is everything. This means letting go of the need to fix, defend, or self-justify, just be with each other and what they are experiencing.

10. Having a partner that holds you accountable to who you are and what you stand for is a game changer. If you are a person seeking growth and learning, a partner that seeks the same is so valuable. Stagnation is a creation, often unconscious, but still created. And understanding that is key to understanding that so is every other part of life.