Challenging my narrative.

March 23, 2021

I think I could write an entire book and then some if I truly wanted to capture everything that I have discovered about myself and about life over the past few years. But this past year in particular, has been so transformative for me.

That being said, transformation does not come without some degree of loss and grief for me, in regards to what once was, and will no longer be. There is a rhyme and a reason to life, a certain progression of challenges and heartaches, and triumphs and victories.

I think the most profound discovery has been the realization that I have been playing really small in life. Like…really small. I have been confined by the walls of my own little box of comfort that I created and I have allowed my voice, my power, to be silenced. Life as I know it has been run primarily by fear, and for as long as I can remember.

A fear of failure. A fear of how I might be viewed by others. A fear of making the wrong choice. A fear of being alone. A fear of financial failure. A fear of regretting something that I don’t even allow myself the opportunity of regretting.

Fear is crazy right. It has this way of hijacking our whole life and controlling how we show up. The source of my fear is my innate need for safety and security, my need for love and belonging. But what I’ve realized is when those needs are met, but at the expense of full self expression, I am still left in a place of emptiness. There is a disconnect from self that does not feel good.

I was listening to a live the other day on leadership. It talked about the 7 core needs of humans: Connection Safety Significance Certainty Variety Growth Contribution

So when I take the time to look at the strategies I have implemented in life to meet those needs, it becomes quite clear how they are often counterintuitive. For example, my need for certainty and safety has kept me in the same life circumstances for a significant period of time – in my marriage and in my career. And the expense of that, has been an unmet need for variety, growth, and connection.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken this much of a deep dive into life. It’s been confronting and refreshing and transformative.

It’s simple really. I’m starting the challenge my own personal narrative. Where does it come from anyways. It’s like saying “I’m not a night owl. I never have been.” Ok…sure…maybe? Or is that a story that I created that I continue to live into because that’s just my default.

Learning to challenge my default is something I have to constantly generate. After all, it’s taken me almost 34 years to create me and who I am. It’s going to take time and practice to re-write the stories I have already written.

I was having a conversation with a friend about the loss of my best friend at the age of 15. It was tragic and unexpected, and definitely the most traumatic thing I have experienced. And what I realized in the conversation is that to some degree, that 15 year old girl has been running my life ever since.

The day I lost my best friend is the day I decided two things – that I needed to have control in my life and that I would no longer allow myself to be close to people. Because loss is inevitable and I didn’t want to experience that ever again. I avoided close friendships, I avoided sharing myself with other people. And I took on being a service to others so that I wouldn’t have to look within. This was the start of me sacrificing my personal needs. I feared vulnerability. I still do to some degree. I needed control which created an intense need for independence.

But what’s interesting is that a very unhealthy co-dependency also developed out of that. It’s like my need for independence applied in all areas except my personal romantic relationships. Looking back now, it’s so clear to me. But when I was in it, I was in it. Even now…I’m likely on it still, often, and just don’t see it.

Literally, every decision I have made since 2002, has been in part, run by my 15 year old self. It’s crazy.

In 2012, something significant happened in the relationship with my husband that had an impact on me and our daughter. She was 5 months old t the time.

My inability to see him as anyone other than the irresponsible, selfish, alcoholic parent and husband that I believed him to be in that moment, did nothing but add fuel to the fire that burned my marriage to the ground.

I’m starting to accept responsibility for the way I showed up…or didn’t show up. I created my husband to be that person, and since that day, I have done nothing but collect evidence that supported who he was to me in that moment, and many other moments. I’m still doing it.

Every single day I have to wake up and re-create who he is. And my default is to say that I am not collecting or looking for evidence, but that he keeps freely providing it, and it’s just there.

That keeps me in a space of righteousness. And that serves no purpose. Because it keeps him where he is, and keeps me in a space of resenting him. And there’s nothing positive about that. There is no room for anything else to be.

I feel like this took a turn, but I shared what’s on my heart in this moment. I’m learning, so much about myself, and who I want to be in this life. It’s fun, and not so fun, and exhausting, and empowering. But I’m here for it.