Acceptance and Authenticity

July 31, 2019

It’s been an introspective kind of week ya’ll. It started with being triggered by good ol’ Luke P on the Bachelorette and just continued from there. So..I wanted to share a few of my thoughts on acceptance and authenticity.

Mark Groves has become one of my favorite humans to listen to for a multitude of reasons. And this post is in relation to his recent IGTV and is somewhat of a continuation of my last post on gaslighting.

Mark first brings up the concept of words versus actions…and the mismatch that can happen. It’s those instances where someone you know feels the need to continuously convince you that they’re a good person for this reason, or that reason…telling you all the reasons why they are great (or strong, or worthy, etc.). But the actions and behaviors of actually being that person they are trying to convince you that they are with words, are lacking.

If you’ve never had someone like this in your life, please tell me because I will be absolutely amazed. And listen, it’s not just about others. This whole post started with talks of introspection right? So think about yourself too. Do you/have you done this?

So this brings me to why do humans do this? I think in the simplest of explanations, this stems from our basic human need for acceptance.

If at any point of our lives, there has been experiences in which acceptance was not given, there is this overwhelming need to obtain it. This can be fueled by multiple things…trauma, abuse, low-self-esteem, lack of acceptance from a parent/caregiver, unmet needs during infancy/childhood, etc. But whatever the underlying reason is, there is a conditioning that happens over time and the result is that unconscious need for approval and acceptance from the people in our lives.

Mark Groves says in his IGTV — “Humans have two needs, we need attachment and we need authenticity and self expression. But when self expression and authenticity threaten attachment, attachment generally trumps. We are conditioned to give away self-expression to gain acceptance.”

Read that again.

We are conditioned to give away self-expression to gain acceptance.

What this can then look like is…If you reject me, I don’t love me because you don’t love me. Cue…not being your authentic self and being true to who you are because of what others may think of you. So instead, when we can learn how to live our lives from a place of authenticity versus that need for acceptance, this changes to…

I love me because I express myself and live from a place of authenticity.

So this brings us to – wound based relationship chemistry. This is the idea that we are attracted to what hurts us, and the type of person that re-injures us. So backwards…I know. But this theory argues that we tend to be attracted to partners that are similar to the person/people that hurt us the most in childhood and partners that we believe can heal our childhood wounds. Sometimes, that means recreating the trauma from a position of control.

I heard an explanation of this that I really liked. A child goes to the doctor and has to get shots. Shots hurt, it can be traumatizing, right? So then they go home and play with dolls or friends and recreate the scenario…and in most cases, they play the doctor, not the patient. They recreate the trauma from a position of control. Make sense?

So what happens when we don’t listen to our inner voice and we make other peoples’ opinions matter more than our own? We end up in situations and relationships that are not in alignment with our inner truth.

To truly change and grow, you will be faced with situations that require you to to betray what you have always thought is the source of love and approval. But when you start to actually choose your life and live it the way you want it, you stop letting others dictate and control the direction you are going. – Mark Groves

So with all of that being said…

Learn how to love your own story so it no longer controls your dialogue, your relationships, and your interactions. Learn to recognize when and why you value the opinions of others so much and beginning the work that will allow you to live an authentic life.