2019 --> 2021

June 13, 2021

I wrote this in June 2019:

“Relationships are hard. Vulnerability is terrifying. Nobody wants to get hurt. Nobody wants to feel anxious. Nobody wants to feel pain. So naturally, we protect ourselves. Over time, we are conditioned to protect ourselves, even in the absence of a threat.

So long ago, someone said to me, “Whatever you do, do NOT get lost in the ‘what if’ forest.” The land of what if’s is vast, and it’s so easy to get lost in that, and it changes the way we approach life.

And it starts within. That starts with self. That starts with not snoozing the alarm clock. That starts with following through with your word. That starts with showing up. That starts with starting.

So for me, I will no longer run. I will show up… in all of my glory to my relationship with myself and my husband. I will continue to do the inner work that needs to be done. I will acknowledge the role I have played. I will do what I need to do to live a life of integrity.”

And now…June 2021:

I am sitting in my backyard, and I am writing this. I'm in a space that feels at home. I'm in a space in which I feel safe.

Relationships require work, constant creation, and a willingness to always stay curious. Vulnerability is no longer terrifying but as the human being that I am, I still make it out to be hard sometimes. I no longer walk around consumed by anxiety and my fears no longer dictate how I show up in life. Sometimes it sure tries to, and for brief moments I do allow it, but I’m human and I acknowledge that. I am slowly, but surely, learning that I no longer have to protect myself, and that vulnerability is my key to freedom.

For a very long time now, I have reminded myself, “Amanda, stop getting lost in the what if forest. It robs you of living.” But I did. I was lost in that for years. And my default is to go right back to that, and listen to that little voice in my head that is deep rooted in self protection, looking good, feeling justified, and staying safe.

My journey away from that deep, dark, all consuming forest started with self and allowing myself to be. It was (and is) scary as hell sometimes, but I am choosing to honor who I am, what I need, and what I want. It started with stepping into the unknown, doing the things that I wanted to do. It started by checking off my “No Tomorrow” list, even if it meant I had to go through life adventures by myself. I decided to stop putting off living.

So now…I no longer run. I choose me every day because that is the only way that I can show up powerfully in every aspect of my life…as a Mom, as a friend, as a mental health provider, as a coach, as a person. It’s only when I am fully in touch with myself and honoring and acknowledging all that makes up me, that I can lay my head down in my pillow at night and be at peace. I show up, with all that I am, to my relationships. I acknowledge the role that I played in the ending of my marriage, and am constantly doing the inner work to continue learning, exploring, and discovering. The journey to personal discovery never ends and I am committed to sharing that journey with the people around me.